Death chased me to your door,
All the procedures I had to endure.
We took a trip to meet you,
Our seaside house all painted blue.
Turning left then right onto the path,
Utterly unaware of our felled aftermath.
Bleak landscapes inhabited by salty scent,
Where I shed my tears of quiet content.
At last, a space to call our own,
Amongst the shingle our love was sewn.
So hopeful for this, our future,
Surrounded by nothing but wild rolling nature.
Mindfully building our nest on the inside,
Stepping out to watch the ever-changing tide.
Picking dried teasel, purslane and sea kale,
A place to rejuvenate my body that’s frail.
Sharing mushrooms in the afternoon,
Finding our way back, guided by the moon.
Seasons have changed, new flora marks spring,
So happy to greet you friendly touring lapwing.
Half a year I called you my home,
For treasures on the beach, I would comb.
Wide open spaces of desolate salt marsh,
To me so beautiful but to others quite harsh.
Walking for miles in my private nature reserve,
Chasing a sense of calm that I could never preserve.
I wish I could have stayed just a little while longer,
The chaos inside us both growing much stronger.
Now so far away from the things I loved most,
We nearly made it my love, so nearly… almost.
* I wrote this poem to process and articulate the devastation I felt at a life that I lost a year ago to the day, I feel able and willing to share it today.
The previous year had been a rollercoaster of heart ache and love for me: being diagnosed with stage three colon cancer and having to face the idea of my possible mortality and plow through the effects of my treatment whilst falling in love, moving to a place that I'd always wanted to live in, building a home and future together. Being told I was in remission then going into lockdown three weeks after moving, really took its toll on us and what we were trying to build and it all broke down.
I am at peace now, still in good physical health and in a far better place mentally. Living in a new home that I love and on a new very rewarding journey.
Time heals all wounds and I am very grateful for the grace it granted me.